


You start to wonder why you're here not there

by bananalestrange



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-03
Updated: 2014-06-03
Packaged: 2018-02-03 06:22:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1734311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bananalestrange/pseuds/bananalestrange
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Emma takes some much-needed time to reflect on recent events and realizes she's done it all wrong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You start to wonder why you're here not there

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for any typos, I never write serious stuff and am therefore refusing to read this over again.

The feeling of wrongness begins shortly after her and Hook’s return from the past, right at the point of her life when things have finally started going right. No one was threatening Storybrooke; she had finally started to fit in with her family. She had a new baby brother that she adored, and a man who loved her and would do anything for her. It should have been perfect. It should have been the happily-ever-after of her fairytale, the one it took her so long to believe in. But something was wrong.

It started out slowly, just a gut feeling, the kind you get when you’ve forgotten something important. She’d tried her best to shove it aside, but it increased every day to the point where she felt that everything was wrong, that nothing was how it was supposed to be. Her life didn’t feel like her life anymore, everything had a slightly unreal quality to it.

It all came crashing down one night when she found herself out on a romantic picnic with Killian. They had been kissing and for the first time in a very long time she thought “Why am I even doing this?” and all of a sudden she couldn’t breathe because when was the last time she’s asked herself that question?

So she ran. She’d said she was done with running, that she had finally found her home but home didn’t feel like it was supposed to, _she_ didn’t feel like she was supposed to and suddenly getting away for awhile felt like the only option that made sense at all.

So she found herself in a motel in Bangor after calling her parents and her son and reassuring them that she just needed a few days. The first thing she noticed was the quiet, because when was the last time she’d been alone for more than a few minutes? She couldn’t remember a time in her recent past when she hadn’t been surrounded by her parents or Killian and while she loved her family, she also realized that she also couldn’t remember a time when she’d listened to the voice in her own head instead of those belonging to others.

So she reflected. She looked at herself in the mirror, really looked at herself and was shocked at what she saw. Who was this person staring back at her? The clothes, the hair, the look on her face, it was all wrong. What had happed to the girl with leather jackets, bouncy blonde curls, and a cocky smile and when had she been replaced by this stranger in an ill-fitting dress, limp hair, and dead eyes? When had she lost herself?

She thought back to when this had all started, when she had arrived in a sleepy little town, back before it had been thrown into chaos. When their lives were peaceful enough that everyone was able to step back and breathe, to just sit still long enough to figure out who everyone was to each other, before her world went crazy and she started throwing herself into whatever crisis was going on without asking herself why she did anything.

As she thinks back on those first few months, the first person that pops into her head is Regina. When it was just the two of them, yin and yang, light and darkness. It suddenly occurs to her that she hasn’t thought about Regina at all much lately. When did her main adversary become just an afterthought?

She remembers a chilly night shortly after the curse broke, standing in front of the diner with Regina, nervous smiles on both their faces. She had felt _something_ that night, a sense of hope and beginning that she never got time to dwell on because everything had gone to hell the next day and instead of trusting herself she’d blindly accused Regina and ignored the voice in her head that was screaming at her to stop.

And it hits her that that was the moment that everything had started to go wrong, that was the last time she ever heard her own voice in her head guiding her to do the right thing.

She thinks about being told about fate and destiny; hell, she was just in the past trying to make everything happened the way it was supposed to. She should have noticed that she’d strayed off her own path somewhere down the line and was living a life she was never meant to. Because she was meant to stay true to herself, and on that day that she ignored her own instincts and accused Regina of murder, she had doomed herself to a future that was never meant to be hers.

For the first time since that night at the diner she dwells on that _something_ she’d felt for Regina and what it meant. Because it should have been explored, shouldn’t it? She was supposed to have believed Regina that day. The strong feelings that had manifested in anger when they first met should have shifted and changed into something beautiful and equally strong. That was the moment when her destiny was beginning to unfold, it was her and Regina’s own version of her parents’ encounter on the troll bridge, and she hadn’t listened to herself and the moment had slipped away.

Of course fate was stubborn, she reflected, and it had given her other chances to make right what she’d done wrong. But she’d found her family and even though she still didn’t know how to feel about them she’d wanted to impress them so much, and Regina didn’t fit into that. So she’d ignored the other chances she got. She never went to see Regina after Cora’s death and because of that Regina became angry enough to lead Hook to the trigger which set off the whole situation with Greg and Tamara.

She’d left Regina down in the mines with the trigger without saying what she should have and yes she came back, but by then it was too late to stop Henry from being kidnapped. There were countless opportunities on the ship, and in Neverland, and right before Pan’s curse hit where she could have stopped for just a second and thought about what she really felt and put her destiny back on track to where it was supposed to be. But she didn’t.

She lets out a sob when she realizes that everything bad that had happened to them could have been prevented if she’d listened to herself when she was supposed to, if she had continued to believe in Regina’s innocence. If she’d just listened to the voice in her head and let her in. They would have defeated Cora together, Hook would have just been a passing annoyance, Greg and Tamara would have been stopped. There would be no Neverland that would lead to a second curse and Regina meeting Robin and drifting farther away from the destiny that she should have shared with Emma.

No wonder everything felt so wrong Emma realized, because this life she had now was so far away from the one she should have had if she’d let the voice in her head back in. No wonder kissing Hook felt like she was just going through the motions, because of course she was in a fog in this mockery of the life she was too afraid to let herself have.

Before she knows it she’s checked out of the motel and racing back to Storybrooke. She pulls up in front of Regina’s house and is suddenly terrified because she hasn’t talked to Regina since the night she brought Marian back. She chokes back tears and tries not to think about how awful everything has turned out, for both her and Regina.

“I was supposed to love you wasn’t I?” is the first thing out of her mouth when Regina answers the door.

She expects Regina to look shocked or maybe slam the door in her face, but the other woman just smiles at her sadly and says “Maybe. But that was a long time ago Emma. Too much has changed since then”.

And Emma bursts into tears because of course Regina knew, she always knew, and Emma couldn’t believe how unbelievably stupid she’d been not to notice.

“No Regina you can’t say that, it can’t be too late. It’s _us_ , it was always meant to be us and I’m sorry I took so long to catch up. But it can’t be too late. Our story’s got to be worth than that. No matter what’s happened it has to be us in the end. Because it should have been us in the beginning and it can’t be too late to fix that!” Emma is sobbing uncontrollably now, because everything seems so unbearably clear and she can’t believe how badly she screwed it all up.

Regina is crying too by now. “Emma” she whispers, “Look around you. I had Robin and you have Hook and we barely talk to each other anymore. We don’t even fight. We’ve drifted apart and I don’t think there’s a chance to fix it this time.”

“I don’t care. Because I’m the Savior and you’re the Evil Queen and we have _always_ been connected and that’s just not going to go away. The timing’s all wrong now but it’s not too late. I should have believed in you every day and I know I’m an idiot, and I know I’m late but I’m here now and I’m not leaving you. I said once that I would always save you and I’ve done a crappy job at keeping that promise but it stops here. I finally listened to the voice in my head and it told me to know you. To believe you. To fall in love with you. And that’s what I intend to do”.

Regina stands there, tears streaming down her face before nodding slightly and giving Emma a wet smile. “Well Emma” she finally says; “How would you like a glass of the best apple cider you’ve ever tasted?”

 


End file.
